Staying Up!!!

Hello..... long time no read from my wonderful crazy mind, and lately its been a busy mind. Not that I think anyone is actually reading my blog posts, but this really is for my own SANITY!!! It has always helped me to write and get my thoughts out there anywhere, I had started another blog about five years ago in hopes to help with my grieving process, but of course I got discouraged and stopped doing a lot of things. Life has also derailed me to where I stopped writing in all my journals, and other places or means I use to write down, let out and release all my craziness. Things haven't changed much since I stopped writing and trying to cope with my grief I don't think it even started, but progressing from some changes I've been making. I just came to that place in time when you know its Do or Die, It's a scary place to be let me tell you!!! Some day's I feel like the anxiety is going to kill me and the depression is going to consume me. What makes me so disappointed in myself is that I've been so blind and deep in my depression I didn't realize how weak I was when all my life I've done nothing but know how to be strong and survive. I didn't realize how lost I had become, and how damaged my life had gotten. How much I had changed and how I would let people just do me dirty or betray me. I would forgive and forgive just to keep people around and not be abandoned yet again, as it always was. In the end that's what they all did anyway, and the sad part is I blamed myself for it. I'm still debating whether that is true, Yes I doubt myself!!! Mental abuse is no joke, and when multiple people you love tell you that your the problem well you start to think and feel that maybe its true. You start to second guess yourself in many ways, and you second guess the relationships you hold dear to your heart. You really start to what I call  "Soul Search", and I started with the usual, anger, hate, thoughts of revenge and well the worst, and I just felt and still feel like the world is against me. I actually have stayed away from my family for year's just to not revisit the old me, old pain, and I felt myself going back to that place I fought so hard to get out of. I did what I have always and prayed to God for mercy and forgiveness, and held my faith high knowing I was gonna be ok. I prayed for strength and guidance and every night after my prayer's I would wake up with thought's and just wanting to change myself. I felt and I knew I let everything bad just get Bad Bad and I knew if I didn't start at least taking baby steps I was going to run out of time. I mean I just turned 44 and I still cant get it right!! Obviously I was pushing everyone away and in my feelings for how my life was and for how they said I was. Toxic, Bitter, Depressed, Dramatic, Stressed, Ghetto, Hood, Bitchy, and the list goes on and on.... I started to analyze myself and had to admit and acknowledge I could be a TAD bit of each of those on the list, BUT I also started to analyze the people who were telling me these things as well as what relationship I had with them. All were close loved ones, some loved ones I should've stayed away from, and some were just friend's I thought at least liked me. All within the same time just changed on me, did me dirty, or ended up being ungrateful more then a few times and I would forgive them because I didn't want to be that exact person they were telling me I was. Can you imagine the inner turmoil brewing inside my chest, anyway it's still there. I'm dealing with it as I sit here going on and on....  

Birthday Vibes

Today was my 43th birthday and I'll tell you it was better than most I've been having these past 

Seven years. First four or five years after my husband died, I would pretty much try and mask

 my grief and pain fairly well. Then these past seven years I've pretty much just said F**k it

 all and just ignored the fact that its my birthday and I should be happy and grateful to God for 

giving me more time with  my kids and loved ones. Depression has really taken a toll in my life

 and has sucked the life out of my soul.

I thought that jumping into a relationship would ease the pain and keep me from going insane.

I think my grief began before my husband died, I think it started the moment the Dr. told us

he had cancer. I think at that moment I lost my mind and I started acting and doing irrational things. 

I was afraid with thoughts of staying alone with three kids, my youngest daughter was only one. 

I starting to think of my life before my husband, and let me tell you it was a scary place that he 

once saved and took me out of. 

I started to fear me ending up back there and with my kids, I was definitely panicking and starting 

to feel all that old pain. I definitely didn't want any of my kids to feel or see the things I had to endure, 

I knew my husband could see and feel that I was scared and broken hearted., and I too saw the fear

in his eyes. He knew without him I may not survive,   and I could fall back  into that darkness 

he turned into light. He fought so hard to win his battle against cancer,  and with every surgery

and Dr. appointment  it seemed to have hope of a full recovery. Six months and he lost his battle 

to cancer,  and well I just didn't know what to do next.

 I got into a relationship rapidly and yes started to go back into that dark place. I didn't want my kids

to see me suffer and I made life seem so smooth and hopeful. Spoiling them and taking  them 

everywhere  I'd think their dad would love to take them, Making irrational decisions along 

the way of course, like spending all the money on entertainment instead of making smart

decisions for their future. My new relationship was fasted paced just as fast as it begun

I got pregnant within two weeks, I know that was an irrational decision I warned you all right!

So life went on masking my pain and grief as if nothing was wrong. Life just kept leading me back

to those dark thoughts and feelings, So my mentality would affect the decisions I'd be taking 

and making.

My heart started reminding me of the heartache and pain I was hiding, and with every passing year

that I would feel and see the difference between my new man and my husband it would break

me down more. I made the mistake in thinking that he could be the same and make me feel less 

pain and grief.. All I started feeling was his absence and finally realized he was indeed gone. 

All his essence and laughter, his love, support, protection and Just everything he would make me 

feel was really gone and I couldn't get it back.

I started demanding and wanting everyone to fill that void but nobody could and the anger just grew.

I started to feel that nobody loved me and they didn't appreciate me the way I wanted them to. Anger 

consumed me and I lashed out and anyone who crossed me. My relationship just got worse all we did

was fight. I now realize it was mostly me who was to emotional,  mentally and physically  un-healthy.

I would tell him if he was my husband he would've done it this was or better. I know that's harsh but

I know see it was my emotional state and grief for so many losses not only my husband. My point is 

now, today, this present day, I still stayed in bed all day but with all my kids watching movies and

eating, but I wasn't asleep like I usually am. I Still didn't cut a cake or let them sing happy birthday

to me but we are tomorrow, because I mustard up the energy to get up and shower to step out and

breath in some fresh air, and enjoy that beautiful full moon. Baby steps is all I can say, things have 

gotten worse but I know the steps I'm taking will soon bring me to where I want to be. I know that

as I keep accepting my faults and mistakes I can keep making progress.  

A daughters Bday 🎉

 Today we celebrated my daughter’s 12th birthday she is the Middle child, and if you have one you know they require more attention and celebration than your other children. I mean the Diva that comes out is truly a punishment for leaving them out of the daily schedule lol. Although well deserved and the cuteness of it all makes me laugh and brings me happiness to oblige to her every wish and desire. Maybe making her feel more entitled in the process but you can’t win them all. In these times bdays and other celebrations aren’t the same anymore so I try to make it as best as I can. I’ll have to bring her down from cloud nine later on because I will not tolerate Diva attitude other than mine for to long! I’m the Diva & Queen of this castle lol... We took her shopping at five below of course and she filled up that basket diva status on point lol. Grabbed her favorite Golden Chicken tender family meal and had a nice dinner at home. Saturday we will make her an Oreo Cookie Cake with Cookie & Cream Ice Cream and sing her happy birthday 🎉 and of course more gifts to come 🤗 you gotta cherish every moment even under these changing and un-foreseen times. Make it the best you can for the memories and your sanity. My kids are my sanity and even though they drive me insane at times  they are my purpose and Joy in life. Today was truly a good day I hope you enjoyed yours...