Staying Up!!!

Hello..... long time no read from my wonderful crazy mind, and lately its been a busy mind. Not that I think anyone is actually reading my blog posts, but this really is for my own SANITY!!! It has always helped me to write and get my thoughts out there anywhere, I had started another blog about five years ago in hopes to help with my grieving process, but of course I got discouraged and stopped doing a lot of things. Life has also derailed me to where I stopped writing in all my journals, and other places or means I use to write down, let out and release all my craziness. Things haven't changed much since I stopped writing and trying to cope with my grief I don't think it even started, but progressing from some changes I've been making. I just came to that place in time when you know its Do or Die, It's a scary place to be let me tell you!!! Some day's I feel like the anxiety is going to kill me and the depression is going to consume me. What makes me so disappointed in myself is that I've been so blind and deep in my depression I didn't realize how weak I was when all my life I've done nothing but know how to be strong and survive. I didn't realize how lost I had become, and how damaged my life had gotten. How much I had changed and how I would let people just do me dirty or betray me. I would forgive and forgive just to keep people around and not be abandoned yet again, as it always was. In the end that's what they all did anyway, and the sad part is I blamed myself for it. I'm still debating whether that is true, Yes I doubt myself!!! Mental abuse is no joke, and when multiple people you love tell you that your the problem well you start to think and feel that maybe its true. You start to second guess yourself in many ways, and you second guess the relationships you hold dear to your heart. You really start to what I call  "Soul Search", and I started with the usual, anger, hate, thoughts of revenge and well the worst, and I just felt and still feel like the world is against me. I actually have stayed away from my family for year's just to not revisit the old me, old pain, and I felt myself going back to that place I fought so hard to get out of. I did what I have always and prayed to God for mercy and forgiveness, and held my faith high knowing I was gonna be ok. I prayed for strength and guidance and every night after my prayer's I would wake up with thought's and just wanting to change myself. I felt and I knew I let everything bad just get Bad Bad and I knew if I didn't start at least taking baby steps I was going to run out of time. I mean I just turned 44 and I still cant get it right!! Obviously I was pushing everyone away and in my feelings for how my life was and for how they said I was. Toxic, Bitter, Depressed, Dramatic, Stressed, Ghetto, Hood, Bitchy, and the list goes on and on.... I started to analyze myself and had to admit and acknowledge I could be a TAD bit of each of those on the list, BUT I also started to analyze the people who were telling me these things as well as what relationship I had with them. All were close loved ones, some loved ones I should've stayed away from, and some were just friend's I thought at least liked me. All within the same time just changed on me, did me dirty, or ended up being ungrateful more then a few times and I would forgive them because I didn't want to be that exact person they were telling me I was. Can you imagine the inner turmoil brewing inside my chest, anyway it's still there. I'm dealing with it as I sit here going on and on....