Today was my 43th birthday and I'll tell you it was better than most I've been having these past
Seven years. First four or five years after my husband died, I would pretty much try and mask
my grief and pain fairly well. Then these past seven years I've pretty much just said F**k it
all and just ignored the fact that its my birthday and I should be happy and grateful to God for
giving me more time with my kids and loved ones. Depression has really taken a toll in my life
and has sucked the life out of my soul.
I thought that jumping into a relationship would ease the pain and keep me from going insane.
I think my grief began before my husband died, I think it started the moment the Dr. told us
he had cancer. I think at that moment I lost my mind and I started acting and doing irrational things.
I was afraid with thoughts of staying alone with three kids, my youngest daughter was only one.
I starting to think of my life before my husband, and let me tell you it was a scary place that he
once saved and took me out of.
I started to fear me ending up back there and with my kids, I was definitely panicking and starting
to feel all that old pain. I definitely didn't want any of my kids to feel or see the things I had to endure,
I knew my husband could see and feel that I was scared and broken hearted., and I too saw the fear
in his eyes. He knew without him I may not survive, and I could fall back into that darkness
he turned into light. He fought so hard to win his battle against cancer, and with every surgery
and Dr. appointment it seemed to have hope of a full recovery. Six months and he lost his battle
to cancer, and well I just didn't know what to do next.
I got into a relationship rapidly and yes started to go back into that dark place. I didn't want my kids
to see me suffer and I made life seem so smooth and hopeful. Spoiling them and taking them
everywhere I'd think their dad would love to take them, Making irrational decisions along
the way of course, like spending all the money on entertainment instead of making smart
decisions for their future. My new relationship was fasted paced just as fast as it begun
I got pregnant within two weeks, I know that was an irrational decision I warned you all right!
So life went on masking my pain and grief as if nothing was wrong. Life just kept leading me back
to those dark thoughts and feelings, So my mentality would affect the decisions I'd be taking
and making.
My heart started reminding me of the heartache and pain I was hiding, and with every passing year
that I would feel and see the difference between my new man and my husband it would break
me down more. I made the mistake in thinking that he could be the same and make me feel less
pain and grief.. All I started feeling was his absence and finally realized he was indeed gone.
All his essence and laughter, his love, support, protection and Just everything he would make me
feel was really gone and I couldn't get it back.
I started demanding and wanting everyone to fill that void but nobody could and the anger just grew.
I started to feel that nobody loved me and they didn't appreciate me the way I wanted them to. Anger
consumed me and I lashed out and anyone who crossed me. My relationship just got worse all we did
was fight. I now realize it was mostly me who was to emotional, mentally and physically un-healthy.
I would tell him if he was my husband he would've done it this was or better. I know that's harsh but
I know see it was my emotional state and grief for so many losses not only my husband. My point is
now, today, this present day, I still stayed in bed all day but with all my kids watching movies and
eating, but I wasn't asleep like I usually am. I Still didn't cut a cake or let them sing happy birthday
to me but we are tomorrow, because I mustard up the energy to get up and shower to step out and
breath in some fresh air, and enjoy that beautiful full moon. Baby steps is all I can say, things have
gotten worse but I know the steps I'm taking will soon bring me to where I want to be. I know that
as I keep accepting my faults and mistakes I can keep making progress.
